I find it perfect and ironic that as I was cleaning out my Google Keep this morning, I came across this quote I wrote down some time in the past year. Expectation is hope. Hope is the act of conviction that despair won't have the final word. - Leslie Jones
Okay, so now what?
There's a part of Brené Brown's The Gifts of Imperfection that discusses the idea of expectation. How if you tell yourself you have ZERO expectations for name-your-thing, that you're not actually protecting yourself from disappointment or that you don't care. Instead, you're denying yourself the joy of the thing happening or the support if the … Continue reading Okay, so now what?
Portland Bound + Other Things
Operation: Trial Engagement Begins I'm headed to Portland, Oregon next week to talk to a potential trial and determine my eligibility for said trial. This appears to be the lowest risk option with the highest reward. On paper, it looks like I'm good to go good, but they have to run their own tests to … Continue reading Portland Bound + Other Things
PARP Progress & Anxiety
I started a PARP inhibitor about 8 weeks ago. The first week sucked, as my body adjusted to the new medication. This is still chemo after all, and while the side effects are far diminished compared to previous infusions, I spent the first week throwing up every morning. Once I got past that initial hurdle, … Continue reading PARP Progress & Anxiety
Certainty
Each time I get news about my treatment that isn't ideal, I find myself looking inward more. I know when I eventually share what's happening with all of you, I'll get nothing but resounding support. That knowledge has allowed me space to process my emotions in a way I never used to. * * * … Continue reading Certainty
Thoughts & Musings: February Edition
I know February is a short month, but honestly could this year go by any faster?! Things with my health continue to chug along. Recent CA-125 levels came back slightly elevated, so we'll have to see what my next one in a few weeks says before there's cause for concern. My oncologist is always pressing … Continue reading Thoughts & Musings: February Edition
An open mind
Chemo has been cancelled (yet again) and before I mentally check in to "workday mode," I find myself wanting to process what I'm feeling aloud. Welcome to my brain. I am frustrated and disappointed. I am tumbling toward the realization that this will probably be true every time this happens. Willing my blood counts to … Continue reading An open mind
Intention
Much of why I started this thing three years (!!!) ago was to react. I was constantly reacting to information, updated news, lab tests, surgeries, hospital stays, and therapies. You know, basically freaking the fuck out about everything in my life being turned upside down. I've spent most of my life living in a reactive … Continue reading Intention
Thankful
It's appropriate that today is the day I can finally put pen to paper -- er, fingers to keyboard -- to share the news. My CA-125 continues to decline. We officially have the downward trend that my oncologist was waiting for. Unbeknownst to me, during the labwork before my 2nd round of chemo, he had … Continue reading Thankful
CT results & upcoming travel
I learned on Tuesday that the CT showed disease activity. The nurse wouldn't (couldn't) tell me more so I had to wait until a Friday afternoon phone call to find out just exactly what was going on. The long and short of it is this: the Doxil isn't working on its own. My CA-125 is … Continue reading CT results & upcoming travel
All I can Do is Smile 