An open mind

Chemo has been cancelled (yet again) and before I mentally check in to “workday mode,” I find myself wanting to process what I’m feeling aloud. Welcome to my brain.

I am frustrated and disappointed. I am tumbling toward the realization that this will probably be true every time this happens. Willing my blood counts to be perfect ahead of each infusion is not possible, so I have to keep contending with the reality that chemo can (and will) be cancelled.

The story I tell myself: “I spend time and mental energy getting prepared, and now that was for nothing.”

And just in typing it, I know it’s not true.

So, what I’m working toward is my response to the disappointment and frustration. I hate that my chemo day is going to change yet again. Will it be on a Monday, putting me in The Suck in the middle of my work week? Will I have to stop working for these last few rounds?

Those “what ifs” lead me down a rabbit hole of self-imposed expectations I have for my career and the work I do… If I have to take time off, who will do the work? What about XYZ event and the video that has to be produced for it?

Then the personal questions… if I stop working, what are the financial implications? How long could I stop working?

What if? What if? What if? It fucking crazy making.

And that’s the moment, where now, instead of completely spiraling out of control, I stop, take a deep breath and ask myself: WHAT CAN I CONTROL?

Not much about any of the above items, that’s for sure.

The only thing I can really control, really and truly control, is my response.

So I’m letting my heart feel heavy. I’m taking a moment to myself. And then I’m going to continue on. Being in treatment is a life in limbo. But it’s also a life that forces me to present. It shows me that while making plans is all well and good, being three steps ahead doesn’t help when the plan immediately goes awry.

And it usually does.

“An open mind means  that we’re prepared to let go of everything that we’ve ever known. Every opinion or belief that we may have adopted; trusting in our experience of that which we witness.”

– Andy Puddicombe

9 thoughts on “An open mind

  1. My dear, perhaps you will find this helpful. It actually comes from Alcoholics Anonymous and a friend of mine (20 years sober and still attending meetings when he needs them) introduced it to me:

    Prepare for possibilities, be aware of what truly needs to be done ahead of the time things MAY occur. Then let go and live each moment as it arrives. Easier said than done–and that’s why we call “mindfulness” a practice!
    I’d also suggest that having your treatments canceled/delayed is actually a GOOD thing–it means that you don’t need them urgently urgently. Your body is strong enough to go some time without having to be helped to fight the disease. It’s fighting on its own! The trick is to maintain calm, because anxiety sets you into “fight or flight” mode and that is not good for your health. But you know that.

    Hakuna matata, sweetie. Today is Valentine’s Day–eat chocolate and drink some nice wine with your beloved, have sexy loving time because that’s more important than…well, just about anything. Of course that particular suggestion can be done any day–or every day!

    Don’t sweat the small stuff. And it’s ALL small stuff–except for LOVE. The Beatles got it right: “All you need is love, love….love is all you need”.

    Love you and Kenji, hugs to each other from me.
    Carpe diem, because that’s all you can be sure of.


  2. I’m sorry to hear about your delayed treatment but look at the bright side…you get your weekend back now! Keep your head up & keep fighting girl. That’s all you can do & you seem to be doing a great job at fighting. You’re a feisty little lady!


  3. WOW, Jess, you have been rolled, and on so many highs and lows on this totally jacked up and fucked up journey!!! As always just keep staying strong, and rolling with the punches. Praying daily for you!!


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