Chemo has been cancelled (yet again) and before I mentally check in to “workday mode,” I find myself wanting to process what I’m feeling aloud. Welcome to my brain.
I am frustrated and disappointed. I am tumbling toward the realization that this will probably be true every time this happens. Willing my blood counts to be perfect ahead of each infusion is not possible, so I have to keep contending with the reality that chemo can (and will) be cancelled.
The story I tell myself: “I spend time and mental energy getting prepared, and now that was for nothing.”
And just in typing it, I know it’s not true.
So, what I’m working toward is my response to the disappointment and frustration. I hate that my chemo day is going to change yet again. Will it be on a Monday, putting me in The Suck in the middle of my work week? Will I have to stop working for these last few rounds?
Those “what ifs” lead me down a rabbit hole of self-imposed expectations I have for my career and the work I do… If I have to take time off, who will do the work? What about XYZ event and the video that has to be produced for it?
Then the personal questions… if I stop working, what are the financial implications? How long could I stop working?
What if? What if? What if? It fucking crazy making.
And that’s the moment, where now, instead of completely spiraling out of control, I stop, take a deep breath and ask myself: WHAT CAN I CONTROL?
Not much about any of the above items, that’s for sure.
The only thing I can really control, really and truly control, is my response.
So I’m letting my heart feel heavy. I’m taking a moment to myself. And then I’m going to continue on. Being in treatment is a life in limbo. But it’s also a life that forces me to present. It shows me that while making plans is all well and good, being three steps ahead doesn’t help when the plan immediately goes awry.
And it usually does.
“An open mind means that we’re prepared to let go of everything that we’ve ever known. Every opinion or belief that we may have adopted; trusting in our experience of that which we witness.”
– Andy Puddicombe