Thoughts & Musings: February Edition

I know February is a short month, but honestly could this year go by any faster?!

Things with my health continue to chug along. Recent CA-125 levels came back slightly elevated, so we’ll have to see what my next one in a few weeks says before there’s cause for concern.

My oncologist is always pressing that I shouldn’t live and die by these numbers. Psh. Easy for him to say. These numbers have been deciding whether I start treatment and whether he gets concerned. I understand that there are natural fluctuations and variables that may cause higher numbers, but still. These numbers are the only hard data I have.

And so, I went into Round 5 of doxil + carboplatin after being delayed a week, with that information and a weary soul.

I’ve been in treatment for nearly a year now. And it’s wearing thin. The cumulative effects of the platinum are becoming more pronounced and even on days where I feel semi-normal, my brain just can’t keep up with the demand I’m requesting from it. Too much reading and comprehension now make me nauseous. I’m finding myself having to slow down, take breaks often, and sometimes just stop and stare absently into space.

And that’s fine. I acknowledge it’s hard for me to NOT be productive — like it’s wasted time. But honestly, what waste is it to take care of yourself and honor what you need?

And what I needed after Round 5 was lots of rest, lots of breaks, and lots of just simply being. It did not help that I got sick just as I was getting well from chemo, so the rest train is still going as I try to help my battered body recover.

Something I probably wouldn’t have done not too long ago.


Happy beginning of March everyone!


3 thoughts on “Thoughts & Musings: February Edition

  1. We must unlearn the idea that simply to sit and BE is a waste of time. The truth is, to learn and sit quietly with one’s thoughts without the distraction of “doing” is one of the many lessons you are learning.
    I could NOT agree more with your doctor. If you live by the numbers you are cutting yourself short. Remember, you are not the data person, let that be Kenji’s worry.
    YOU need to live every good day to its full potential. And that means sitting with one’s thoughts in silence and napping and simply BEING.
    I love you. I’ll be there soon. We will braid hair and laugh at ourselves and cook and eat and drink and be MERRY. Did you know my name means joyful and merry? WELL IT DOES! So here comes the happy train motherfucker CHOO CHOO!


  2. The key to what you said, for me, is honoring what you need. And I might add, not feeling guilty about it. Living with a chronic illness has taught me that and I fought it for a long time. Treat yourself with kindness whenever possible.


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