Cancer never really leaves you. Even when you hear the words “You’re in remission,” a little bit stays behind (metaphorically speaking) in your mind. That tiny voice that whispers “What if?”
Even my remission qualification wasn’t without some hurdles. The CT scan showed something suspicious and I had to get a CT-guided biopsy to make doubly sure it wasn’t anything. Thankfully, it wasn’t and remission was declared.
I haven’t shared what I’m about to with even my husband yet. I’ve only just been told, but I need to get it out of my head so I can try to not worry. Try to not hear that tiny voice whispering. Thank goodness I have therapy in an hour.
I had a CT scan two weeks ago. Got a call from my doctor’s nurse that they wanted to set up a PET scan. I asked if the CT was clear, and she said yes, that this was just to be thorough.
My PET scan was yesterday. My oncologist just called me to say that there were some suspicious areas in my upper left arm and near my pancreas. The type of gene mutation I have means I am more susceptible to breast and pancreatic cancer. So, another biopsy in both areas before I’m deemed “clean.” And, to top if all off, the CT scan wasn’t clear (my ever-so-diplomatic doctor said, “Well I’m not sure what was said…,” to which I replied, “I asked ‘clear’ — she said ‘yes’.”).
The little voice isn’t whispering right now. And I’m scared. Because that “What if” remains. Indefinitely.
I’m finally acknowledging that fact now. I went back to my regularly scheduled programming and continued on as though nothing had happened.Honey, you were only fooling yourself.
What if, indeed.